I think I’m stuck in self-analyzation today. Not sure I’m willing to do anything about it all. What is “it all?� Arrrrggghhh! I kinda don’t want to think through it, but I wonder if I should. Maybe it will be better if I can just get stuff out.
God and I haven’t connected in such a long time. I read something yesterday that said that God is waiting to be wanted. So I put the book down and lay on the floor to talk to Him. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, or my heart wasn’t soft enough, or I was too tired, or not humble enough. No matter… I tried to want Him but He didn’t come. So maybe He’s still waiting to be wanted. Well, I’m waiting too!!!!! I hate feeling that I’m unwanted… is He going to come after me?
I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like admitting need. I don’t like being wrong and gross and messy. So maybe God’s waiting to be wanted by me when I’m in the moment of trouble and pain. Not when I’m casually trying to talk to Him, hoping I’ll be able to summon Him like a genie. I wouldn’t like it if someone came up to me and said, “Well, I know I should want to be friends with you, but my heart’s not really into it at the moment… but will you talk with me and help me and love me anyway?â€Â? Maybe He’ll wait a long time… as long as it takes for me to believe that He’ll be there to hold me when my world breaks.
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January 19, 2006 at 2:40 p01
niza
i like this post, it’s very honest. i feel like that sometimes, like i go looking for Him and He doesn’t show up. but these are just feelings. the reality is that He’s always there, whether we feel Him or not, and i think He wants us to call on Him at all times.
i think He wants us to come to Him in pain and in join, just like a marriage… in sickness and in health, etc, etc…
good to read your post.
January 19, 2006 at 2:40 p01
El Bob
Just rememer to listen for the whispers.
Peace and Love
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
Lon
Great post… i’ve been there. all i know is that’s how God wants us to come to him, just as we are, not how we feel we ought to be. Keep pressing in…!
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
stacijoy
Thanks for the thoughts everyone… my heart is stirred and encouraged. The past couple of days have been a bit better… beginning to reconnect, starting from where I’m at.
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
Sam.
Glad you’re beginning to reconnect, Staci!
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
tina sharp
I read this post on your Xanga site and that led me to the site of someone who commented. Honesty works wonders in others–giving them permission to be honest back … and it’s in those moments that we finally realize we are not alone …
I love you Staci
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
stacijoy
That’s really cool Tina! I love the connection (however distant or minor) that’s happened between myself and that person. I have appreciated her honesty, and I’m glad to have found another person to stand shoulder to shoulder with… glad that my honesty gave her courage to step up next to me as comrades. At least that’s what it felt like. Thanks for pointing it out. Love you too!
January 20, 2006 at 2:40 p01
Nathan
Honesty is great! It does no good to ignore such feelings. You know, Jacob wrestled with God all night long. At the break of day when it came time, Jacob wouldn’t let Him go until He blessed him. I think God likes our tenacity sometimes, to wrestle with Him, clinging to Him like a little kid wrestles with their dad.
As far as knowing Christ, I find the greatest strength in going to the Bible. Yes, you can see (and be) Christ in every day life, but the Word is the instruction manual, the map, and the love letter. When I start feeling unloved, I flip back and look to the cross. In light of knowing he did that for me, it’s very, very hard to feel unloved.
Grace and Peace to you, Staci.